I’m a sponge.

Recently, there’s been a lot of things going on within my family. Lots of drama concerning Beth, that I don’t even want to get into because even if I did, I wouldn’t be able to finish it up or make it make any sense at all. There’s also been the financial stuff. We’ve been hanging on by a thread for years, and things are starting to look up, but… I’m not getting my hopes up, and it doesn’t really matter anyways because it still stressed me out a ton.

This marking period within school – not good. I was sick a good amount of days. I think I only went to… five, six classes the most? My main reason for being out so much is mainly exhaustion. Overwhelmed with stress. And it just got added onto when I realized… I’m not doing well. It’s just another disappointment to my parents and this time, I couldn’t really swallow that.

I’ve never really been a great student. It’s been showing a lot this year. I’m definately not doing my best and if I submitted an application to a college or something, they would probably toss it. Maybe it’s because of the post-concussion syndromes, maybe not. I started school again this year so we wouldn’t be worried about home-bound problems and maybe it would take stress off my parent’s shoulders. I’ve tried really hard this year, but I just can’t get back on my feet. I don’t have motivation. No, let me rephrase that, in the words I spoke to a student support teacher on Monday – I don’t care anymore.

I don’t know what I want to do with my life. And no matter how much I try, I can’t seem to grasp whatever I’m striving for. It’s like, I go to class, I sit there, I do my best to learn… but it just doesn’t stay. I can focus the whole class when it comes to notes and stuff, but if work material is put in front of me… it just leaves me. And, sometimes, even if I do try and focus in class, I can’t because other things are on my mind. What if the lawyer doesn’t call mom and dad today? What if something goes wrong? What about the van- are the problems fixed? What about my brother- is he going to be okay? Aubra? How is that other brother of mine doing?

My parents tell me not to worry about all this stuff, but I can’t ignore a problem when it’s there. That’s actually pretty funny, considering what I found out my coping strategy was. On Monday, I was confronted by my English teacher during class because I haven’t been reading The Great Gatsby. I’m sure it’s a great book that I would enjoy, but I can’t concentrate on reading lately. Again, I focus, and then it leaves me. Even if I read a paragraph three, four times, it’ll be like I didn’t read it at all. I’m doing worse than before and it scares me a lot… But to the main point, I sat in that class and I tried to read. I found myself reading, but I wasn’t picking up any of the words. It’s like, if my teacher was speaking, I would focus on her words instead, even if I tried to ignore them. But if it was silent, it was even worse. I would focus on the silence. I could not win. This upset me, and when she came up to me after class to ask me about my work, I broke down. There was so much going on in my head that I couldn’t think straight.

So my English teacher kindly took me down to the guidance office and instead of taking me to my guidance counselor, she took me to a student support teacher. I’ve never felt comfortable with these type of people. I always felt so small in their presence, even if they’re trying to help. I didn’t care this time though. The teacher listened to me babble on in circles about how everything was and I cried for I think an hour or so. After a while, I thought I’d dried myself out. Really though, thinking back on it… I didn’t really realize how much was going on until I was able to tell someone about it. I usually… ignore it all. She told me I, instead of letting myself cope with stress by being all over the place, I just continually absorbed it. It makes sense. I know that it’s been building for a while though, it’s even bigger than the recent picture of Beth’s drama and our current financial situation. I don’t really know.

Everything is still kind of a giant blur to me at this point. After that meeting, she called my mother and we’re supposed to come in Monday to have a meeting with the support teacher, my guidance counselor, and I think the school psychologist as well. I don’t know what to expect from it, because I’m not sure how I’ll react. No doubt I’m going to end up crying at some point, even if I don’t want to. I’ll probably feel ashamed, because I don’t like crying in front of my mom. I feel like I’m weak in her eyes if I cry. And I never went to someone because I constantly did not want her to worry.

I guess I’m a giant mess when it comes down to it. Hopefully I’ll be able to relax a bit this weekend… I’ll probably be gathering my thoughts for the most part.

Goal for this year – Straighten out my life?

-Redi